mein kaun hu

ghum sa ho gaya hu mein, mein kaun hu, ye puchta hu mein apne aap ko, aur jawab mai kuch nahi, bas hota hai sannatta … jab sheshe mai khud ko dekhta hu to pahchan nahi pata, aisa lagta hai koi aur hi khada hai mere samne … aur jo hamesha hua karta tha wahan, wo kahin kho sa gaya hai, iss bheed mai, in ujalon mai, roshni ki chamak mai … kho sa gaya hu mein … bhul sa gaya hu khudko … aur aaj mein aiene ke samne khada sawal karta apne app se, ki kon hu mein … mein to nahi tha aisa … mein to nahi karta tha ye … mein to nahi karta tha wo …    ab to aisa lagta hai jesse wo insaan jo mein hua karta tha, wo mar gaya … aur koi aur hi mere bhesh mai khata hai mere samne … dar lagta hai apne aap se ab to, aur … yakin nahi hota ki waqt kya se kya kar deta hai … mein kaun hu … mein to aissa nahi tha …

As a person,

i loved the old me …

i hate what i am today …

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life is like a burning cigarette

zindagi ek sutte ki tarah

jalti, sulgati,

kabhi tez, to kabhi maddham,

kabhi buzhne ko aati,

tabhi ek fuk, hawa ka ek jhoka,

phir se sulgata,

aur light phir se lagti,

jindagi chalti jatti,

ek sulgate hue sutte ki tarah,

aur phir rakh ki tarah khatam hoti rahti,

dhire dhire, madham madham,

and akhir mai jakar bujh jati,

jindagi ek sulgate hue sutte ki tarah,

jab take jal rahi hai,

kash lelo, phir ek din, bujhana to hai hi

jindagi ek sutte ki tarah

Emotions and Love

Came across this and it totally refreshed me.

New energy. New synergy with myself.

 

http://www.dramitnagpal.co.in/2011/04/are-you-romantic-emotional-fool.html

 

 

Sometimes when you expect the least, life gives you the best …

but then again,

Sometimes when you expect the least, life gives you the worst too …

because …

 

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A cottage in the mountains and night full of snow

Sometimes in life when we expect the least, unexpected happens. Like right when I didnt expect a night to go so well, all of a sudden it happened. It came like a flow of events just happening to make me happy and take me along itself and give me a good time. Something like this was this Friday. A friend was coming from Texas and I didnt know anything about their plans, but I was supposed to join him with few others on their trip to Colorado and I noded alright since I wasnt doing anything anyway.

Here goes this beautiful day -

I started in my red neon, joined them at estes park, turned out that they had booked a mountain side cottage, which was nice just a mile from rocky mountain national park. We had a hike in rocky mountains during the day and in the evening we dinner at some indian/thai restaurant. Just when we thought that the day was over, it started to snow all over the place. (colorado is famous for its mountainside flacky weather, it changes within minutes). We returned to the mountain cottage at around 7pm after the dinner, it was already dark (in colorado, in winters, it gets dark around 5pm) … and there it goes …

wow

a mountain side condo

group of friends having good talk and conversation

scotch, absinthe and beers

nice snowfall outside

fireplace inside

nobody nearby

we had some drinks, laughters and after the snowfall turned to just flukes, we went outside near the creek … fresh snow all over the place … dark night all over the sky … water still flowing through the river crossing some of the frozen snow … a bench … cold … drinks to keep us warm … friends … talks … laughters … it looked like we were the only ones in miles and miles … the snow was welcoming our arrival … we spent more than an hours outside of the cottage near the creek at -4 to -10 degree Celsius … because the drinks were working on keeping us warm instead or boozing us … and when we returned inside, the fireplace was extending giving us a *warm* welcome back … it was so nice … I spent my night sleeping near the fireplace … it was a different experience, something that I would like to repeat and when we woke up in the morning, another cottage at a distant to us was looking like the most beautiful place I have seen in ages … they had to leave by 7am … we had a coffee  … they left for a drive from the inside of national park, I returned back to boulder … and this return drive from estes park to boulder was one of those drives that you see in movies … a road cutting through the mountains full of snow …

wonderful experience …

something that came up at the most unexpected time …

something that I would like to repeat …

- renderBoY

I am off the track

Looking at last one year, a lot of things have changed about me. I have actually live life, spent money and enjoyed moments. Eating out every day, clubbing every weekend and never thinking before maxing out the credit cards, I have been going salary by salary and sometimes wondering how the hell i spend all my salary on my ‘luxurious’ needs and then go back and do the same thing … money wasnt a constraint anytime, unlike the first 24 years of my life … money was spent like water … now i need to be careful … careful about the career, careful about future, careful about taking off wasteful spending … it is not sustainable, plus, all this bullshit of clubbing, partying, dining out is hurting my career … it has come to an extent where i go to work, otherwise i wudnt be able to party … the bell is ringing, and saying it is time to put the brakes on, otherwise this acceleration might make it brakeless pretty soon …

so, new rules for life with the onset of the coming new year -

1. increase focus on career slightly

2. cut down on bars, as I have already started to get bored of it, they arent worth it, and a night in bar waste the whole of next day

3. start cooking food again, from a year, it was like a strike, i can count on fingers how many times i cooked in last 1 year. homemade food is relatively healthy too compared to outside.

4. get a schedule, sleep by 10pm no matter what, wake up by 6am no matter what

5. get serious, college life is over, start to get some maturity … drive the car carefully … not like a college kid …

 

These 5 rules, I vow to follow starting from now, and strictly from the new year.

and hope that they will help to bring my life back on the track where it needs to be …

 

P.S. – I loved the life I lived last year, it was a fantastic time and memories forever…

Sensitivity

Sometime things become sensitive more than they need to be. Sometimes you shouldnt be sensitive but you still are .. you ask yourself, why am I being so much sensitive .. you get some answers from inside, but eventually you still remain sensitive .. it hurts, being sensitive hurts sometimes, brings depression and take away the confidence …. how ? …

Tonight I went to Oasis bar. There was bollywood DJ playing there. I was dancing with couple of other people for a while. At the dance I noticed a girl, she noticed me. Later I met her at the bar while ordering a drink. The song was of movie “Zindagi mile na dobara”. One of the great movie that shows, life wont come back, make the most of it. Our conversation started with that movie and song. She was an english girl and so it quickly moved away from bollywood movies as she hadnt seen any. But later on, there came a point, when she started dropping hints, like getting closer, told that she is feeling hot and showing off her front in a seductive way, told that she came with her friends, she is single, and many other blah blah blah … this is where the sensitivity hurts… Ya, I hit you up at the bar, but I DONT want to walk home with you tonight, rather I want to know you and if the feelings develop I will probably make a move … but I need that feeling to develop, I need conversation, I need time, may be days, weeks or months … I need time to connect … I cannot connect just like that …. I went back to the DJ floor … this time dancing with myself (I have this liking of dancing with myself) … and after sometime, I see her talking to a totally random guy and walking home with a sardar … she tells her friend (the one she came with) that she is leaving with that guy … she doesnt know him … I dont know what you want to name this one night fling … but it is totally not my thing …

It is not the first time, when it has happened … I have had my share of opportunities before that I dropped purposefully, just because for me emotions, feelings and connections has to write a precursor for anything else to happen. For me sensitiveness for each other has to come first … may be I am looking at wrong pot. Of course I wouldnt find a sensible girl at a bar like that, but there have been incidents before “outside of bar, and inside of normal life”, where “waiting for connection to develop”  resulted in “being too late to build a connection”.  Whether it was last Christmas, last Summer or last Autume, either I was looking in wrong pool or I crave for being too much of a connection that even woman doesnt seem to care …

The reality is that the world has changed and I still live in fairy tales … It is a nice feeling to be sensitive in fairy tales … but in reality being sensitive hurts and thats the sad part …

Even after knowing this, I know it wouldnt change me a lot … I am genetically engineered to have a need for emotions, and have a need for connection …. and irrespective of how much I try to be insensitive, the subconscious wouldnt approve of it … Sometimes you shouldnt be sensitive but you still remain .. you ask yourself, why am I being so much sensitive when the rest of the world isn’t .. you get some answers from inside, but eventually you still remain sensitive .. it hurts

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